Loving Life

You know when you love something so much you start to hate it?

That’s my current world right now.

The things around you make up life – people, places, memories, music, food, hobbies, work… As a whole they become your life; the things you love. Then you meet someone special and all that love you had is then freely given to that person. When that person dies it can’t be shared back. So, I’m lost; I search for that love again, only to find it empty.

My world has crumbled and I wish the world would as well. It doesn’t. Life goes on. That brings me back to hating everything I loved; it leaves a bitter taste.

The other lessons I learned. The small group of friends and close family that stuck around is amazingly small. Death doesn’t bring people together; if anything it alienates. Grief temporary places a hold in time, yet time marches – the paradox of a broken heart.

My new normal is filled with memories, possibility, and being alone. Before you jump on the bandwagon, hey you’re depressed. I go home now to an empty house. A house we bought together. A house we made into a home. A house I did my second proposal. Tell me how I should sugar coating reality? Show me and I will take that blue pill!

It is what it is. In time maybe I can cope and grieve less.

In a few days I hope to go back home. The same house we shared and loved. The same house I gave CPR to my love.

*sigh* I whispered to her 一生所愛 (a lifetime of love)…